We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
