The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
