I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
