I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
