Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
