I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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