i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
