I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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