I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
