His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
