Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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