she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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