Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
