so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Drunk is not a location!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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