Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
