She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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