Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
