my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
should my penis look like a turkey
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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