Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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