Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
