I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
