Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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