So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
