Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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