I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
