apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
