I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
