I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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