I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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