My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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