hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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