What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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