god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize