I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
