I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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