I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
