This house was built for laser tag.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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