Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
