Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
