I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
