I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
