I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
smell my finger.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
