At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
