I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
