just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
