you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
