They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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