Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
