im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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