I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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