Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
