I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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