You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
