You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize