I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
