I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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