We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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