I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
