Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
