Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
