I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
