I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You smell like stripper and shame
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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