ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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