i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
