I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
