Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
