Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
