i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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